


fire inside your head, your heart

by soulsinashes



Category: Persona 5
Genre: Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Oh god the pining, Pining, ryuji is a mama's boy pass it on, spoilers through casino, very minor though
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-23
Updated: 2017-11-23
Packaged: 2019-02-05 20:14:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,738
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12801507
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/soulsinashes/pseuds/soulsinashes
Summary: There are very few things Ryuji doesn't talk about. His liking guys, specifically Akira, is one of those things. With the help of monjayaki, his mother, and Oberon, Ryuji talks about it.(aka Ryuji pines and doesn't realize Akira pines, too)





	fire inside your head, your heart

**Author's Note:**

> me, crawling from the depths of hell to drop a fic about these two losers and then going back to not writing anything for another two years probably
> 
> title from "life will change" aka the song that plays during the calling card heists
> 
> teen for swearing and one (1) extremely non-graphic mention of a boner and jerking it
> 
> takes place during the casino sometime but that's not really that important it really only matters in a couple of rambly details regarding akira going to jail and akechi being. akechi. they don't even go into the casino just mementos
> 
> also morgana doesn't show up at all i think i'm projecting

Despite all Morgana’s claims to the contrary, Ryuji’s not stupid. He’s not a good study, and big fancy concepts like everything driving the Metaverse’s existence go right over his head, but he knows people. He sees the way Makoto and Haru look at each other. He sees the way Lala bristles when somebody implies she’s just a drag queen on the occasions Akira brings him out to Shinjuku. And he’s never had a problem with that. Really.

But sometimes, he catches himself staring at Akira for just a bit too long, and he feels _dirty_. Shameful.

He hates it. Hates that he feels that way, about Akira and about himself. But he doesn’t say anything, because that’s not something you talk about – even his mom, who’s the most open-minded lady Ryuji knows, doesn’t talk about it. So he stays quiet and tries not to stare too long and when he trains with Akira, he keeps himself from leaning over and licking the sweat from his neck and up to his lips and-

Ryuji stops his thoughts where they are and slumps further onto the table he’s at in Leblanc. Akira should be coming down any moment, and Ryuji can’t be thinking these things about his friend. His _best friend_. His best friend who undoubtedly wouldn’t appreciate Ryuji’s weird and invasive thoughts about him.

(Sometimes Ryuji notices things, like how he’s had, what, five girls ask him out? And he’s turned them all down, with a gentle “I still want to be your friend” and when he recounts the stories to Ryuji, sometimes he _swears_ he sees a longing in Akira’s eyes like the one in his-

But the moment passes, and all Ryuji sees is his own longing in the reflection of Akira’s glasses and decides he had to have been imagining it. Projecting. There’s no way-)

Akira treads down the steps, bag over his shoulder, gentle smile aimed at Ryuji. His traitorous heart skips several beats before settling down to what’s still a goddamn sprint of a tempo, and he smiles back.

“Ready to go?” Akira asks.

Ryuji slides out of the booth. “Yeah, sure thing- hey, where’s Morgana?”

Akira looks at the empty space in his bag, out of habit, Ryuji guesses. If Morgana’s not in Akira’s bag, he’s out causing trouble somewhere, usually. “Oh, yeah, he’s off doing his own thing today, I guess. He said not to worry about him.”

“Too late,” Ryuji mutters. “Though I guess it’s better than him takin’ potshots at me all the time.”

“That’s the spirit,” Akira replies, with a hint of his Joker smirk bleeding into his expression. Ryuji tries not to stare. “Shall we?”

“Yeah, let’s go.”

(They go to the monjayaki place in Tsukishima, and Ryuji thanks the copious amounts of unexplained yen they receive from Shadows in the Metaverse that he doesn’t have to worry about affording subway fare or other costs for outings like this. He’s never questioned it. Doesn’t wanna look a gift horse in the mouth and all that.

At one point, Akira gets sauce smeared on the corner of his mouth, and Ryuji _yearns_ and hates himself for it. He settles for “you have some stuff on your, uh”, gesturing to the corner of his mouth. Akira keeps missing, and if Ryuji didn’t know better, he’d say he was doing it on purpose. Eventually, he gives in a little and uses his thumb to wipe it off himself, so tender and Akira’s skin was so _soft_ was that natural or does he moisturize or some shit, and he wonders what that skin would feel like against his lips-

No. Stop.

He wipes the sauce off on a napkin and says “there, got it” and won’t look Akira in the eye for the rest of the day.

He gets home and lets the boner that’s been simmering since Akira’s effin’ _smirk_ earlier pop and comes embarrassingly quickly and feels guilty about it afterward.

_Would he still wanna be your friend if he knew-_

He cleans up and stares blankly at the ceiling until his mom calls him out for dinner.

“What’s wrong, Ryuji?” his mom asks, basically immediately. She’s always been perceptive like that. Ryuji thinks he gets his knowing people thing from her.

He looks up at her, wide-eyed. He can’t tell her he can’t he can’t-

“I like guys and that scares the hell out of me.”

Goddammit.

Her expression turns soft. “Oh, Ryuji-“

But he’s used up his courage for today. He bolts to his room, leaving his fried rice nearly untouched.

The satisfaction doesn’t last long. His mom brings the bowl into his room, where he’s lying on his bed, and she strokes his head and softly, so softly, she tells him-

“I love you so much, Ryuji. No matter what. You’re brave and strong and sweet and I wouldn’t have you any other way. Boys or no. Whoever makes you happy.”

She kisses him on his temple and holds him while he cries.)

Of course, Mementos being what it is, predictably takes Ryuji’s world and shakes it upside-down. Again.

(Maybe in hindsight, he should’ve seen the signs. “I got all kinds of girls,” Incubus says. “I’m not interested,” Akira replies. Lamia implies Akira’s teasing her because he likes her and he shoots her down.)

“It’s clichéd, but we could chat about life… Ask each other things like what kind of girls we like…” Oberon says. Akira replies, calm as always-

“I like men.”

And quietly, off on the sidelines, Ryuji’s _whole world fucking implodes_.

No no no he’s just joking, right-

But there’s no mistaking the look in his eyes. Ryuji knows what Akira looks like when he’s playing serious to get a rise out of somebody. This isn’t that.

Akira meant it.

Ryuji stands helplessly, finger limply falling from his shotgun trigger. Oberon, who doesn’t know Akira as well as Ryuji does, thinks Akira is joking and gets angry, but a coy look and some flattery on Ann’s end calms him down enough for him to be convinced to join Akira’s little entourage of Personas. The group wraps up and moves to get going, only for Ann to turn around and notice that Ryuji still hasn’t moved. “You coming?” she asks.

“You like guys?” Ryuji asks, dumbfounded, and regrets it instantly.

Akira turns, worry in his eyes. “Oh… yeah. Is that a problem?”

“Ohhhhh, no no no, not a problem at all! I mean, uh, me too, so uh-“ Ryuji stops abruptly, realizing what he just said. “I. Um. Didn’t mean to say that.” He groans and looks away, embarrassed.

He feels a hand slip into his and turns around to see Akira’s gentle smile, all worry gone. “Well, I’m glad you did.” Akira squeezes his hand before slipping it from his and he mourns the loss immediately, instinctively feeling the wash of shame that always accompanies those kinds of thoughts about Akira, before he remembers what his mom said while he cried, before he remembers that Akira is the same way, _maybe he feels the same-_ “Let’s keep going, then. Shadows won’t wait for us to have our nice coming outs in peace, unfortunately.”

They start walking back to the rest of the group.

“Wait, Ryuji, were you faking being into girls the whole time, then?” Ann asks curiously. It’s not an accusation. Ryuji’s relieved.

“Nah, man, girls are hot, too.” He smirks. “Wasn’t fakin’ any of that.”

“Cool.” She pauses for a second, looking at a corner somewhere far away from eye contact. “Me too.”

Ryuji’s not surprised. He _knew_. But still. It’s nice to hear someone else say it out loud. Nice to hear, concretely, that you’re not alone in being different. Nice to hear that it’s not just some freak accident that nobody talks about so you never know if you’re alone or if there’s more people like you who don’t say anything _precisely because nobody talks about it_ , nice to hear that somebody _gets you_ in a way you’ve never been gotten before, even though your mom tries, god, does she try, but it’s not the same as having somebody who’s _been there,_ who _is there,_ and he kinda wants to ask her about Shiho but now’s probably not the time, nice that she believed him instantly and never acted like there was any reason for him to be ashamed even though he’s been ashamed _his entire life you have no idea what this means to me-_

But he can’t really just say all that. He doesn’t have the words. So he just says, “Cool.”

Ann smiles like she heard it all anyways. Ryuji wouldn’t be surprised. She knows people like he knows people. He’s always liked that about her. In another life, maybe he could have loved her. Sometimes he wishes he had.

The sometimeses get fewer by the day, lately.

“If I may add,” Yusuke chimes in, “I have always preferred men, myself.”

Ann chuckles. “Can’t say I’m surprised.”

“You did only want Ann nude to draw her,” Akira adds. “I’m not exactly qualified on this, but I assume pretty much anybody into women feels at least a little something about Ann.”

“Confirmed,” Ryuji says, flicking one of Ann’s ponytails. “As somebody who is qualified, confirmed.”

(Now that he knows, for sure, that Ryuji and Akira could be _Ryuji and Akira_ , the words rest on the tip of Ryuji’s tongue the whole rest of the day. But one, clearing Mementos is not the time or place for that kind of talk, two, just because Akira’s into guys doesn’t mean he’s into _him_ , specifically, just like Ryuji’s being into guys doesn’t mean he’s into Yusuke or Mishima or Akechi – attractive as Akechi is, Ryuji’s too off-put by the sketchiness and the condescension and the murdering to consider him in any context beyond the physical – three, um. Ryuji doesn’t really have a third reason, though he feels like he should, somehow.

He won’t lie and say he’s not good enough, because that whole line of reasoning is kinda bullshit. They’re good for each other, Ryuji knows that already, and that’s what matters.

He was planning on maybe saying something when they left, but really, he should have known better, because they’re all ready to crash when they leave Mementos and Ryuji thinks he can barely make it home before he passes the eff out, so the conversation is tabled out of necessity, really. In addition to Ryuji’s nervousness. He can admit that much, at least.

He barely manages to brush his teeth before he crashes on his bed that night, so it’s at supper the next day that Ryuji gets to talk to his mom about it.

“Hey, mom,” he says, poking at his ramen, “if I like a guy and I think maybe he likes me back, how do I… I dunno, ask him out? Say something? Anything?”

His mom gives him a measured look. “It’s that Akira boy, isn’t it?”

Ryuji sputters, grateful he hadn’t been mid-bite. “Wha-“ He coughs. “How’d you know?!”

“You’re not hard to read, Ryuji. You wear your heart on your sleeve. I wish more men were that brave.”

Ryuji knows she’s thinking about his dad. He wisely doesn’t mention it.

“Well, the best I can tell you is just… talk. If he already likes you, it won’t matter how you ask. If he doesn’t, he’ll still want to be friends, right?”

“Well…” Ryuji is suddenly reminded of all the girls Akira turned down. Even Futaba. (Maybe especially Futaba. Ryuji still thinks it’s kinda weird.) He’s still really close with all of them. “Yeah, I guess you’re right. He doesn’t let that bother him.”

His mom smiles. “Then you have nothing to worry about, right?” Ryuji stares at her for a bit. “I mean, you’ll finally get an answer, right?”

“I guess, yeah. That’d be nice.” He thinks about it, thinks about the scenarios where he gets to hold Akira’s hand and the scenarios where he knows for sure they’re not like that. Both are preferable to his current situation and its perpetual “what if”. “Really nice, actually.”

“Talk to him tomorrow, then,” his mom says, reaching over the table to take his hand. Ryuji starts to feel better instantly and almost laughs at how easy he is to calm. He turns his hand over to hold his mom’s. “He might surprise you.”

“Okay. Tomorrow.” He lets out a hearty sigh, letting out the rest of his stress with it. “Tomorrow.” He squeezes his mom’s hand. “Thanks, Mom.”

She squeezes his hand back. “It’s what I’m here for, sweetie.”)

Ryuji doesn’t run into Akira at the train station that morning. He sends him a text, once he’s in the train. “can i talk to u after school today”

It can’t have even been a minute before he gets a response. “Sure.” Ryuji would be more confused and put-out at the brevity if that weren’t how Akira texted everybody. He’s kind of a shitty texter – he’s prompt about responding, but he rarely uses texts longer than a few words, and they’re always properly punctuated, so everything he texts always comes off as passive-aggressive. He’s not – in fact, Ryuji doesn’t know if he’s seen him so much as irritated at anything outside of the Metaverse – he’s just proper. Ryuji’s so far gone on him that he finds it charming. He hopes Akira feels the same about his lack of punctuation and capitalization and occasionally shitty spelling.

“thanks man”

“Where at?”

Oh. Uh. “uh” “rooftop? cus makotos not gonna bust us anymore” “and nobody goes up there”

“Okay.”

“cool see u then”

“See you.”

Ryuji flicks over to an Internet feed and starts scrolling. Today. After school. He’s gotta do it. Do his mom proud and all that. Do himself proud. Do himself a _favor_ and get his nerves to shut up.

He can already tell he’s gonna pay even less attention in class today than usual. It’s cool. He’ll get Akira to tutor him when exams roll around.

Wait, shit, he might still be in prison. Although he would hopefully be willing, if he was released. Makoto and Haru, then. Anyways.

Ryuji sends a silent apology to his teachers for the day.

(What Ryuji doesn’t know, but learns later: Akira, after getting Ryuji’s text, texts Ann in a panic. The two consort all day, it feels like, and Akira can’t focus on _his_ classes, either.

And earlier: Akira slumps over a counter after _his_ whole world implodes when he learns he has a chance with the guy he likes who he was sure was straight, while Sojiro makes him coffee and curry, pats his shoulder, and does his best to reassure him.

And earlier: Akira says “I like men”, feeling much more nervous than he looks, and Ryuji says “me too” and Akira’s heart rate skyrockets, and he swears Ryuji can feel the pounding of his heart when he holds his hand, as much for Akira’s own pleasure as for Ryuji’s comfort.

And earlier: He accidentally smears sauce on the corner of his mouth but purposely misses swiping it up so Ryuji will do it and the callouses on his hands feel just as wonderful as he always imagined. He thinks, briefly, of turning his head just a bit and taking Ryuji’s thumb into his mouth, but refrains, afraid to take too much and lose everything.

And earlier: He walks down the stairs to see Ryuji, hair mussed, eyes bright, the light hitting him just right that he’s absolutely _radiant_ and Akira may have an iron control but he’s still _human_ and he can’t stop the smile that spreads across his face or the thoughts that cross his mind of just maybe waking up to this every day-

But he pushes that down so that he can _function_ and he’s so glad Morgana isn’t here to give him shit about it. God, he’s so gay.

And earlier: Him and Ryuji, hanging out in Akira’s room, and Akira mentions girls he’s turned down and for a moment he thinks he sees the longing he feels mirrored in Ryuji’s eyes-

But the moment passes, and he concludes he had to have been imagining it.

And earlier, at the beginning: He stands under an awning in the rain, and a blond boy comes to stand under it with him, and he’s suddenly struck by the sense that this is the boy he’s going to fall in love with. Together, they storm a castle, and together, they’re _good_. They may never date, but Akira has found his first friend here in Tokyo, and he knows no matter what, they’ll be together, in some way. And no matter what, it’ll be enough.

And later, at the end: Akira Kurusu will always be grateful that he met Ryuji Sakamoto.)

Ryuji gets to the balcony first and spends the time between his getting there and Akira’s getting there pacing in a nervous frenzy, contemplating the pros and cons of saying “eff this” to the whole thing, before getting a mental nudge from the same place his Persona rests, which he assumes is Seiten Taisei’s way of patting him on the back and saying “you can do this, kid”. Or a kick in the ass and saying “don’t you dare back out now, live your truth, dumbass”. Or maybe Ryuji’s projecting. Either way, it’s enough to keep him on the rooftop until Akira arrives.

Morgana isn’t with him again. Ryuji wonders if it’s Akira’s doing or if he’s finally learned to read a situation and knew when to buzz off.

Akira sets his bag down on the table and adjusts his glasses. (Nervously? Is Akira nervous?) “What’d you want to talk about?”

Ryuji takes a deep breath and draws on the courage he felt with his mom last night. “I, uh… ah shit, I’m just gonna come out and say it.” He swallows. Looks Akira in the eyes. This is important. “I… I like you.”

Akira sucks in a breath. “To be perfectly clear. This is the kind of like where you want to. You know. Cuddle and kiss a lot and date. Be boyfriends.”

“Shit yeah,” Ryuji breathes. “Wanted it for so long and hated myself for creepin’ on you like that. That mean you feel the same?”

Akira reaches for his hand and holds it tight. “Yes.” A moment. “And I doubt you were ‘creeping on me’.”

Ryuji shrugs, fixated on the point where he and Akira are connected. “Maybe not. I just got a lotta… internalized stuff, or whatever. About my likin’ guys. Mom talked me through it. She’s the only reason any of this happened at all.”

“I’ll send her a card and flowers.”

Ryuji chuckles. “She’ll love it. But yeah, point is, I was real bad about it for a while, but I’m gettin’ better.”

“I’m glad.” Akira reaches his unoccupied arm up to wrap around Ryuji’s shoulders, tucking his head into the crook of Ryuji’s neck. “This okay?”

Ryuji brings his other arm up to wrap around Akira’s waist. “More’n okay. ‘S effin’ fantastic.”

They stand like that for a while, wrapped up in each other.

Until- “Look, I really wanna kiss you, but I don’t want our first kiss to be up on the school rooftop. So hell, maybe we go to yours and make out or somethin’? I’ve been wantin’ to kiss ya since, like, May? ‘S been a while.”

“Yeah.” Ryuji’s planted the idea, and suddenly Akira can’t think of doing anything else. “Yeah, sounds good.”

(“Wait a second,” Akira says as they’re leaving. “I have to text Sojiro and let him know you’re coming over.”

“He has to know that?” Ryuji asks. “You haven’t texted him before.”

Akira looks at him from the corners of his eyes. “We weren’t making out before.”

True.

“Oh, I should text my mom,” Ryuji blurts. “She prolly wants to know how this all turned out.”

So Akira texts: “Ryuji’s coming over,” and Ryuji texts: “did it! then he asked me out and i said yes” “thanks mom :)” and they take the train to Yongen-Jaya.

When the train stops, Akira takes Ryuji by the hand and holds it all the way to his room, completely without shame. Ryuji’s always admired him for that. He thinks that maybe it’s been rubbing off on him, because he doesn’t feel as gross about this as he did just last week. In fact, he’s feeling pretty damn fantastic about it. Excited. Proud. Like the feeling of the power that comes from his Persona. It’s new. Good new.)

They pass Sojiro, whose gaze seems to be a bit too knowing for Ryuji’s liking, before bounding up the stairs into Akira’s room. Ryuji doesn’t even have time to put his bag down before Akira pulls him close by the hand, cradles his face, and kisses him.

Objectively, it’s probably shitty. Ryuji’s never had a “real” kiss before, and he knows Akira’s in the same boat. But none of that matters, because it’s _perfect_. Akira’s hands, one in his and one on his jaw, burn against his skin in the best way, his lips sliding against Ryuji’s, Ryuji’s other hand reaching up to hold Akira’s waist, and it’s been so long and not long enough before Ryuji’s run out of air and has to break the kiss (the kiss! with Akira!) to breathe.

“Wow,” he breathes, lamely.

“Yeah,” Akira breathes back, also lamely, which makes Ryuji feel a lot better.

Ryuji rests his forehead against Akira’s. “So. Sojiro knows, doesn’t he?”

Akira smiles. “He was obvious, wasn’t he?”

“I don’t think he’s physically capable of stoppin’ himself. He likes bein’ the all-knowin’ barista too much.”

“True,” Akira chuckles. “I think he’s happy for us, though.”

“Good.” Ryuji’s phone buzzes in his pocket. He glances at it but doesn’t take it out. “That’s prolly my mom. She’s happy for us, too, I bet.”

“I’m glad. I’d hate to get between you and your mom.”

Ryuji makes a face. “’M glad you aren’t.”

They stand there for a bit, holding each other close.

“So, hey.” Akira looks up at Ryuji questioningly. “Whaddaya say we take off our bags and jackets and you take off your glasses and we get to that makin’ out you promised?”

Akira smirks, wickedly, and Ryuji _stares_ , and he lets himself stare, because Akira’s his _boyfriend_ now and he gets to do that.

“Sounds perfect.”

**Author's Note:**

> catch me on tumblr @moderndayachilles and i'll get back to you when tumblr mobile decides to work again


End file.
